Jane Curtin: In the last few years, discos have become a big part of the entertainment scene. Now here to file her report on one of New York's more popular discotheques, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thank you! A Mr. Richard Fader from Frot Lee, New Jersey writes: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, tell me about Studio 54. Why is it so hard to get in? Can I get in? Do I gotta get a ticket to get in? Do I gotta know someone to get in? Do I gotta be famous to get in? What's it like when I do get in, and if I do get in, is it real hard to get out?"
Mr. Fader, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone from New Jersey! But you wrote to the right lady! 'Cause last night, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, went to Studio 54! 'Cause I love to dance! I don't want to brag, but I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, can really shake, shake, shake, shake my booty! And, besides, I wanted to see how the "beautiful" people get crazy. So I go in, and who do I see first but that fancy designer Mr. Halston. And he looked so depressed, I thought he was gonna DIE!! And then I noticed that he wasn't wearing sensible shoes. He was dancing in these tight, black, sleazy, ankle-high boots -- the kind you imagine that Frankie Valli wears? Well, anyway -- Halston shows me how the inside of his shoe scraped against the heel of his foot, and he got a big blister! And the blister BROKE, so he put a Band-aid on it. Well, then the shoe started rubbing against the Band-aid, and then the Band-aid gets all curled up and gets this liquid stuff on it -- you don't know WHAT it is! I man, that guy may be one of the beautiful people, but his foot made me SICK!
[ Roseanne Roseannadanna stops to put Mr. Richard Fader's letter back in its envelope ]
Jane Curtin: Is -- is that all? Is that all you have to say about the place? Isn't there anything else?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?
Jane Curtin: I mean... do they serve food? Is there a band? What's the sound system like? Are there black lights? Is there a bar? Is it in a good neighborhood? Do you gotta know somebody to get in? Is it al lit's cracked up to be? You know?
[ Jane frantically waves her arms around, only to be mimicked by a singing Roseanne Roseannadanna ]
Jane Curtin: Roseanne! Roseanne! Roseanne! Studio 54 is supposed to be very chic and glamorous, and everybody wants to know about it. What's it like in there?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane -- just between you and me... it's crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys... girls dancing with girls... guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys... girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves... guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs. It's just like my father always used to say to me before I went to bed. [ she turns her gaze to Jane's ear ] He said: "Roseanne Roseannadanna, Studio 54 is just like Jane's ear. From the outside, it's very pretty and could be very glamorous with jewelry and diamonds and glitter, very attractive and very nice and everything... but on the inside, it's real dark and it's got some weird stuff in there, I don't know WHAT it is! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!"
Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.